Powerade: perks you up like a bicycle seat to the bare crotch

Nono, sweetie, we need you naked on the bike. Why? To show the importance of your "inner qualities". No, honey, not your grit and determination. Your tits.

All your teammates have done it, sweetcakes. Are you gonna let the team down? I thought not. Now peel off that lycra.

I am who I am because of Orange

Having trouble finding yourself? Orange have a bit of mawkish guff to help you out.



Like anyone in a good bout of self-discovery, our narrator is clearly stoned. It's like, we've all got a cosmic connection, you know? Everyone who's touched me is a little part of me! I am the binman I see every Tuesday. I am my old school friends who won't add me on Facebook. I am this hazy room of sleeping or uninterested strangers. Can you feel it?

Start small with LighterLife

Way small. Because as everyone knows, you can't run before you can walk. And you can't train for a marathon before you can... fit on a rollercoaster?

From a less health-conscious age...

Just for a change, here's something I love. My local off-license has a way healthier line on alcohol than the NHS.

7? 8? 9am? It's always time for a drink!

I need that clock for my room.

Eyes, the window to the soul

Five dutiful bus travellers can clearly spot nothing more unsavoury than the gently passing scenery and stumbling old ladies. The unfortunate girl at the bottom left has just been witness to a man devouring his own face.

Think they have these in Canada?

Rorschach test

Look at this sign. What do you see?

Or, to put it another way, what kind of business might hoist this emblem onto their establishment?

If your answers involved upturned buttocks or geysers of semen, I have to disappoint you. Inexplicably, it's a furniture shop.

I don't know.