ad nauseam

Selly Park Deli fight back against the loosers

2009-06-08T12:21:00.018+01:00

Hey. How's it going. Had a good nine months?

Never let it be said that I don't take criticism on board. To this end, here's a nice email I received this morning, presumably from Selly Park Deli, star of previous posts here and here.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN -

I am quite disgusted that you should open a forum, and encourage people to scandalise companies who are working to make a living . Therefore allowing loosers that have nothing better to do than criticise.
Selly park deli is a family run business. During the times of recession you have encouraged people to slander small independent british run stores.

WELL DONE!

In my defence, I encouraged people to slander small independent British-run stores a few months before the recession. Consequently I'd like at least part of the credit for kicking the whole thing off. Anyway, although "slander" generally has to be untrue, and it's not like any of their customers would see my blog in a million years, I do genuinely feel slightly bad for picking on a small, honest, family-owned cafe.

Sorry, did I say honest?

In a stupendous coincidence (particularly on a morning I was only viewed by one reader), within minutes my original post got its first comment in over a year:

Selly park deli:

Went in a few weeks ago> I must say it was nothing what I was expecting, the food is proper fresh. I was quite impressed with the price actually if i were to do a comparison against Subway, I would say the deli would win definately against quality and price. (John)

I guess we'd all like to have real satisfied customers, just like real photos of our own sandwiches. But in times of recession you have to make do, right?

Powerade: perks you up like a bicycle seat to the bare crotch

2008-08-26T11:52:00.008+01:00

Nono, sweetie, we need you naked on the bike. Why? To show the importance of your "inner qualities". No, honey, not your grit and determination. Your tits.

All your teammates have done it, sweetcakes. Are you gonna let the team down? I thought not. Now peel off that lycra.

I am who I am because of Orange

2008-08-11T02:48:00.009+01:00

Having trouble finding yourself? Orange have a bit of mawkish guff to help you out.

Like anyone in a good bout of self-discovery, our narrator is clearly stoned. It's like, we've all got a cosmic connection, you know? Everyone who's touched me is a little part of me! I am the binman I see every Tuesday. I am my old school friends who won't add me on Facebook. I am this hazy room of sleeping or uninterested strangers. Can you feel it?

Start small with LighterLife

2008-08-07T21:34:00.002+01:00

Way small. Because as everyone knows, you can't run before you can walk. And you can't train for a marathon before you can... fit on a rollercoaster?

From a less health-conscious age...

2008-08-05T15:40:00.005+01:00

Just for a change, here's something I love. My local off-license has a way healthier line on alcohol than the NHS.

7? 8? 9am? It's always time for a drink!

I need that clock for my room.

Eyes, the window to the soul

2008-08-04T00:59:00.002+01:00

Five dutiful bus travellers can clearly spot nothing more unsavoury than the gently passing scenery and stumbling old ladies. The unfortunate girl at the bottom left has just been witness to a man devouring his own face.

Think they have these in Canada?

Rorschach test

2008-08-01T20:29:00.003+01:00

Look at this sign. What do you see?

Or, to put it another way, what kind of business might hoist this emblem onto their establishment?

If your answers involved upturned buttocks or geysers of semen, I have to disappoint you. Inexplicably, it's a furniture shop.

I don't know.

Knock-off Nigel: assault your local file-sharer today!

2008-07-31T17:42:00.008+01:00

"Surely you've got something to say about those Knock-off Nigel adverts?", enquires Sammy. "Too easy?" Actually, not having seen much TV for a while, I just wasn't aware that it'd turned into a little series. For those out of the loop, after the abject failure of the "you wouldn't steal a car" style of anti-piracy ads, they're now trying to stir up a bit of peer pressure. The kind of man who downloads movies, concludes a taunting pack of colleagues, is probably the same guy who steals their money and eats their food:

Assuming that charming shot at social engineering gave you the same grim sickness in the pit of your stomach it gave me, all I'll say is that the stumbling block it might fall at is people's failure to give a flying fuck whether their workmates download films or not. If they do, hopefully it's not passionately enough to form a baying mob around his desk. Although, if you need that extra push, the website has a host of tools to whip you up into a Nigel-bashing frenzy. Including, believe it or not, a little game where you can hurl objects at one.

Burn the witch!

Allinson: nothing but flour, yeast and drivel

2008-07-30T02:40:00.010+01:00

Allied Bakeries have announced a major recall of Allinson bread after fears that certain loaves were contaminated with hate and despair. "While Wholemeal Batch's most important ingredient is our family's century-old baking passion, the factory environment may also contain traces of horror, anger and stinging regret," explained a spokesperson. "Customers experiencing unwanted alienation or gentle waves of ennui should return the product to their supermarket and will receive a full refund."

Burger King's inspiration is running low

2008-07-28T15:32:00.003+01:00

Amy implores me to spot the difference:

Don't worry, we can reconcile this. Clearly, Burger King's master chefs were first inspired to add black pepper and a new sauce to the Whopper by an awe-struck viewing of Spider-Man 3 one balmy night in 2007 (funnily enough, a film that only inspired me to get the hell out of the cinema). But a year later, deeply touched by the new Batman, they called head office and demanded its re-release. Those artists!

Skyy: serving suggestion only

2008-07-25T16:18:00.001+01:00

From: ceo@skyy.com
To: office@brightideasadvertising.com
Subject: Re: poster campaign

Okay Tim, not gonna meddle - you've got your job and I've got mine! - but I thought I'd just give you an idea of the look we're after. The key words are sophistication, luxury and elegance. Skyy needs to be showcased as the only choice for the discerning modern urbanite, associated with an aspirational lifestyle, etc etc. Also, if possible, we'd like a lot of thigh. You know, on some sultry model with a ridiculously photoshopped waist. Have her standing in front of the vodka drinker parting her legs like the rest of his aperitif lies somewhere in her crotch. "Best served with vagina" was bandied around the office.

And if the man could be sitting in one of those awesome egg chairs from the 90s, that'd be perfect. Anyway, I'll leave the rest to you. See you at the pitch on Friday!

Sunday Times: it's you, but a newspaper

2008-07-23T21:58:00.001+01:00

Jesus, I hope I can't be comprehensively summed up by my choice of Sunday broadsheet. And imagine if it was the Times! I guess this could be the launch of their new "dark sexual fantasies" and "obsessive compulsive tendencies" supplements.

Mazda rejig the conventional week

2008-07-22T20:19:00.003+01:00

You know what, Mazda? I'd love to. That's what I always wanted. That's what I dreamt of when I traced my finger down your curves in the magazine and swore you'd be mine.

But Mazda, they wouldn't give you to me free. They wanted money. Thousands of pounds, Mazda. What could I do? I only had one choice. I sought a high-powered career in auditing.

So there you are, Mazda, sitting in my drive, but I'm not with you, am I? I'm slumped in the office knocking back Pro Plus and finalising the details of the latest account. And Sunday? Don't make me fucking laugh, Mazda. Sunday I'm preparing that report for management.

Of course I could have roared off into the sunset with you, Mazda, if I'd had a day off in the last six years. But I'd probably just have caught up on sleep. That's all I really look forward to now. I know you understand.

Birmingham thanks you for committing less crime

2008-07-21T01:00:00.004+01:00

Hey, no problem. I just cut back on the armed robbery and let a couple of drug mules go. It was more the credit crunch than a sense of social responsibility, but it's always nice to get some recognition.

Your local canal: it's a long stone thing with water in it

2008-07-17T20:52:00.007+01:00

Yep, you read it right. Canal. Everyone's favourite artificial waterways are being ubiquitously marketed nationwide, and in case you were wondering, your local canal is also "a open air gym", "an open air library", "a shortcut to work", "a proper lunch break" and (ugh) "a chill out zone" (more can be found in a sickening video). Not yet mentioned, but surely in the running, must be "a free wash", "an open air urinal" and "your own secret cemetery". And by the looks of things, somewhere to sleaze over the two youngest pieces of ass in the office and be oblivious to their unsubtle "eww" faces.

Quick fix

2008-07-15T21:35:00.011+01:00

Our old friends have outwitted the authorities once again...

Cargiant: like a functional relationship, but better

2008-07-14T19:58:00.007+01:00

Click to read the full story, girls, and prepare to relate! The women I know just can't shut up about their boyfriend's need for TCS. Frankly they're just crying out to buy a car to piss him off, and I think we've found just the place. Girl power.

Incidentally, if your customer has this face when you hand over the keys, it's probably irresponsible to let them behind the wheel.

But what's this?

Blessed be! Men, too, can strike a blow for independence with a quick swing by the car showroom. Not to mention shut those sodding kids up -- "Look at this, daddy! Read me a story, daddy! You're strapping me in too tight, daddy! Why are you buying another car, daddy?" -- and rub it in the wizened old face of your mother in law. Hey, why not run over your annoying colleague's dog on the way back? And make a few dents in your unrequited high school crush's convertible? Guess who has the long face now, bitch!

Unfortunate product placement, part 1

2008-07-12T21:02:00.006+01:00

And, apparently, across the opposing lane.

Another Sky+ strumpet

2008-07-11T20:31:00.006+01:00

Maybe it's unfair to suggest that Kelly Brook wouldn't know quality if it teabagged her singing the national anthem, because these "quotes" were clearly randomly assigned to whatever celebs they could get their hands on. Poor Kelly probably thought the photoshoot was for OK! Perhaps she still does.

Quizno's unconvincing FAQs

2008-07-11T02:49:00.005+01:00

In the opening scene of Quizno's: the Movie, a smug reporter raises his hand and asks this question. The assembled press gasp at the CEO's brave, wise-cracking reply, then slowly rise to their feet and roar their approval.

Your guess is as good as mine as to what "processed cheese food" is, though. "Food" with "processed cheese", maybe?

Vaseline: for your ball grip

2008-07-07T13:19:00.005+01:00

If rugby players aren't up to the task of de-gaying Vaseline, no-one is. Hey, they're not sissies! They just need it to keep their big rugby-playing hands strong and resilient and silky smooth to the touch. Not for the post-match fun and games.

Technorati tags: Vaseline, rugby

Tan! for the vitamins

2008-07-04T10:30:00.006+01:00

Now we know sunbeds increase your risk of every kind of skin cancer, you'd be forgiven for thinking that attempts to sell them on their health benefits might be getting...

Tenuous?

Technorati tags: tanning

McCoy's encapsulate the modern male

2008-07-01T19:36:00.005+01:00

What do you do when the focus groups tell you the lucrative "heterotard" demographic is abandoning your pub snack in favour of peanuts, pork scratchings and aggravated assault?

I just couldn't relate more, right guys? I wish anyone who crossed the boundaries of homogeneous macho culture could just be swiftly sucked out of the pub before I had to kick the shit out of them. It'd save me a fuckload in court costs.

Thanks to Ruffhousing!

Technorati tags: Mccoy's, man crisps

Let no-one call evangelists cultural opportunists

2008-06-29T19:24:00.008+01:00

This was pressed into my hands on New Street yesterday. It's almost like they knew.

Huh. See, I've just been collecting tins and plastic bottles. Turns out I should have been bagging up my lost, lonely and weak too. Why didn't the council say anything?

But the metaphor isn't done yet:

It's kind of sweet how they've lowered their aim to somewhere just south of recycling in your daily priorities. Like, after you're done at the bottle bank, maybe give some thought to your mortal soul?

Technorati tags: evangelists, recycle

Mariella joins the Sky+ posse

2008-06-28T01:11:00.005+01:00

First Parkinson, now Frostrup, and if you're not familiar with your British media celebrities, the first thing you'll notice about their glamorous lifestyles is just how much they slob around in front of the TV. Take Mariella here, who couldn't even keep track of her gruelling 10 hour viewing routine without a set top box. Now, though, the poor love can sit down any time of day and catch up on every last minute of Cash in the Attic, Doctors and Flog It!. She doesn't even have to worry that Deal or No Deal clashes with Ready Steady Cook. And if that isn't the high life, I dunno what is.

Technorati tags: Mariella Frostrup, Sky Plus

Birmingham: proud of our hideous freaks

2008-06-27T00:02:00.006+01:00

Children's drawings unnerve me, and it's only partly the monstrous heads and outlandishly sized limbs. It's also the suspicion that these things are drawn by specialist illustrators, possibly the same ones responsible for that cutesy kids' font with all the backwards Rs.

Anyway, whether you're proudest of Miss Windtunnel 2008, Sinister Blonde Dwarf or Pinhead McGraw, I don't think there was a clue in any of its 360 degrees what the point was. Is the council making sickly posters just to reassure us that they're proud of children? How much money did they spend on giving passers-by a warm, fuzzy feeling? Or, y'know, a cold, deep nausea.

tryingtestingwearing patience

2008-06-26T03:44:00.006+01:00

I dunno who this is, and I don't care. Rarely have I ever been happier to see a billboard get fly-posted to death, because three more lines of welfare-babble would probably have pushed me over the edge. Stop thinking up verbs and leave us alone.

This one goes out to Gary Glitter

2008-06-24T11:01:00.002+01:00

What if I don't want to?

Technorati tags: Baby of the Year

Danger lurks round every corner with Piriton

2008-06-22T19:57:00.010+01:00

Forgive me, genuine sufferers, for suspecting that psychology might be playing a teeny little role in today's glut of allergies. I mean, if people leave the house expecting to swell up from pollen, animals, washing powder and gluten, chances are their minds aren't going to disappoint them. Of course, that's just some people. Your throat really does close up when you smell tomatoes. I know.

Helping the process along, Piriton introduce a little game every hypochondriac can play walking down the street. Shopping bags! Traffic lights! Bus stops! Old ladies! Any one of them could have you asphyxiating on the ground before you know what's hit you. Frankly, you'd better load up on chlorphenamine maleate before you even step out the door.

Technorati tags: Piriton, allergy

Eyecorp are in the business of perfection of dreamspace

2008-06-20T17:01:00.010+01:00

Or as some people say, "we're redecorating".

It's unclear how many pitches East Midlands Airport heard before they gave out the contract, but it was clearly the enormous photographs of children running in grass, the billowing clouds of po-faced high-mindedness and the ability to talk in their own florid language of grandiose bullshit that swung it for these guys.

Technorati tags: Eyecorp, East Midlands Airport

Don't get too involved, now

2008-06-19T12:20:00.003+01:00

The makers were probably going for "help with homework". But everyone walking past remembers the feeling when they saw their first horse porn.

Honda channel JFK

2008-06-17T13:08:00.006+01:00

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." -- John F Kennedy

Buying a car becomes yet more heroic. It isn't clear exactly what's difficult about driving a Honda Accord, but I'm sure they know what they're talking about. Maybe it's getting your inflated head through the doors.

Technorati tags: Honda, difficult

Dave and Cobra misunderstand wit

2008-06-15T18:23:00.011+01:00

Something rubs me up the wrong way about Dave, the "home of witty banter". Maybe it's because, like talent or passion, people who profess wit rarely have it. Or maybe it's the gaggle of guffawing 25 year old dolts who in my mind's eye are cracking open beers, sticking on Dave and getting a night of banter started. There will be high fives.

Anyway, to remind you once again just how witty your banter can be, Cobra beer is now popping up as the sponsor. Their ads, sadly not yet Youtubed, even have little demonstrative snippets of it. "So if you told a story that started at The Cock and ended at The Bull," goes one, "would anyone believe it?" Oh god! You're killing me.

Luckily, this campaign has also found its way all over the street. These ones have lovely drawings of an aspirationally self-important moron, dispensing "wit" in a jaunty pose to his appreciative friends.

Ahahahaha! Haha. Ah.

Clearly, this guy is new in Birmingham.

Technorati tags: Dave, Cobra

McCain presents chips for dummies

2008-06-12T21:15:00.008+01:00

Here at McCain, we're as concerned as you about all the chemicals, added salt, E-numbers, GM crops and tormented spirits of the damned in your food these days. That's why we'd like to clarify that our chips come from potatoes. We just hose the shit off, peel them, chop them, coat them in a thick layer of fat and we're done. Hell, we keep it all in the same mucky old bucket. Call us old-fashioned!

Technorati tags: McCain, chips, it's all good

Grammar nightmare

2008-06-11T19:47:00.008+01:00

- Dave, how do you spell policies?
- Policies? It's policy with an "s", innit?
- I dunno, it looks wrong...
- That's cos you forgot the apostrophe. Every "s" has an apostrophe.
- Oh, cheers Dave! Isn't there still something missing, though?
- Ah, that'll be the "i". Stick it in just before the "y". Funny word, policiy's.

Technorati tags: taxi, spelling

Yazoo's cows have a laugh a minute

2008-06-10T01:45:00.006+01:00

It doesn't happen with meat, does it? We'd be uncomfortable with cutesy animals selling us steaks or hotdogs, on the understandable basis that we'd rather not be reminded of Daisy's lovable properties right at the moment we're chewing her corpse. I've seen cartoon chickens on late-night fast food joints, but when you stagger into one of those places you've long given up on your meal being fresh, clean or readily identifiable, never mind ethical. If anything, it's reassuring they know what animal it used to be.

Turn to dairy, though, and cows are apparently a selling point. They can be dancing round fields, kicking a football, stood on a diving board, whatever you like, as long as you reinforce that being a dairy cow is basically a hell of a good time. That's a lesson Yazoo learnt the hard way with their first, hastily withdrawn ad.

Technorati tags: Yazoo, cows, milk shaken up

Missing your bus: it happens!

2008-06-07T01:50:00.006+01:00

Oh... dear. I hope the student counsellors are more sympathetic.

Self-satisfied pricks wanted for mutual masturbation

2008-06-05T18:01:00.011+01:00

I never bought the line that atheists are smug; it just seemed a cheap shot for people who couldn't fault their arguments. But something changed today when I saw this poster for a student society.

That's right. These "highly educated and very intelligent individuals" are going to have to save the "common people" from themselves. But when, Atheist Soc? Before the next Freshers Fair? I bet their meetings are a riot.

NS&I: give them your fucking money

2008-06-05T00:45:00.008+01:00

Bob Geldof is striding towards you with such steely purpose that his thunderous footsteps are echoing around the room. I mean, Jesus Christ, this is the man behind Live Aid; he didn't make this much drama when he was saving Africa. What the hell is he going to say?

What?

Greer? What?

Hawking? What?

So you sit there, a little transfixed, because no, you don't really expect an activist, a feminist and a theoretical cosmologist to flog you a savings account (Alan Sugar, on the other hand, has probably been whoring himself out for years). So well done, guys. Credibility is cashed in. Balance now zero.

Thanks to Sammy via Amy!

Technorati tags: NS&I, Bob Geldof, Germaine Greer, Stephen Hawking

Praise Chesus at Elim Church

2008-06-04T01:46:00.002+01:00

Kids, if you like Che, you'll love Jesus. He's like the original revolutionary! What's that, sweetie? Does he stand for social justice and the triumph of the proletariat? Well, right now he's more about stopping lesbians getting IVF. But sure, all that shit too.

We have t-shirts?

Technorati tags: Che Guevara, Jesus, Elim Church

Lost cause

2008-06-03T19:44:00.002+01:00

Learn your 123s with the NHS

2008-06-02T03:07:00.003+01:00

Left to my own devices, I always forget the catastrophes that await me after a drink and a half. Thank God, then, that every few months a new NHS campaign pops up to remind me.

This one was rolled out with blanket media coverage of some shocking statistics: 77% of Britons don't know how many units are in a large glass of wine. That's over 3 out of 4 of us not intimately acquainting ourselves with an arbitrary, stupidly restrictive points system every time we head to the pub. No wonder they need to scrawl it over our glasses.

Trust a policeman: suspect everyone

2008-06-01T02:04:00.010+01:00

Well, here's a public service announcement with no chance of backfiring. Terrorists! They "live within our communities". They look like you or me. But they take the bins out a day too early.

Hotline: Hi, you're through to the confidential anti-terrorist hotline, where no tip is too small!
Caller: Hey, I've seen some suspicious behaviour at number 29? I'm sure they get the double glazers round every couple of weeks.
Hotline: Double glazers? To hold secret jihadist meetings?
Caller: No, it's more because they keep blasting their windows out. And the postman left this Amazon delivery at our house for them the other day. Nailbombing for Dummies? Is that suspicious?

How shit would a terrorist really have to be for passers-by to suspect their house? No, it's gonna be your everyday weirdos, harmless loners and the Muslims next door who are gonna get raided at midnight thanks to these little gems. And we know how cautious the police are in those circumstances.

Gordon only uses the best

2008-05-29T01:38:00.008+01:00

What's the worst thing about Gordon Ramsay? The swearing gimmick? The fact he fakes catching fish to look macho? The public's ongoing penchant for being shouted at by pompous cocks until they can cook, clean or raise children to a dubious perfection? The bizarrely creased chin? Or maybe, here demonstrated in exhibit A, Mr Uncompromising's cheerful lack of qualms about sticking his face on any old product for a few quid?

His face is key, here. It fills half the billboard, because his unique combination of furrowed, frowning, smug little features has been shown in tests to be Britain's #1 most effective face at getting viewers to cook how he says, buy what he says, or believe that he's actually catching his own fricking fish. The look in this particular shot is "disappointed scorn". This image will flash past your eyes when you reach for an inferior spirit. Then, when you've recoiled in shame and regained your senses -- and the synergy is fantastic here -- the correct brand is called GORDON'S. Congratulations, you've finally lost your last fraying threads of personal autonomy. Enjoy the gin.

Sky plus: why wait till old age?

2008-05-26T12:52:00.006+01:00

I like the "Sir" in this one. It really gives it that extra bit of authority, no? If Sir Parkinson can't even face tomorrow without the ability to rewind live TV, what hope have you pathetic slobs got? Now sit down and stick The Apprentice on.

It just struck me that if you didn't know Parky to begin with (maybe my foreign readers can confirm this), this photo would actually strike you as a senile old man in a nursing home who really can't imagine life without the little TV blaring away in the corner. Sky's ideal customer, in other words, if only he had a little cash to spend. Get 20 and 30 year olds to do the same, and there's your paydirt.

ING offer emotional fulfilment

2008-05-23T21:39:00.005+01:00

It's good of them to tell us. I could have sworn this is what saving feels like:

It's where the Trade go!

2008-05-21T20:17:00.003+01:00

Some ads will sell you an aspirational image. Beautiful, stylish little things will sip the drink, drive the car, and promise you their youth, vigour and sex lives.

Some are beautifully honest.

Slim Fast rattle the swill bucket

2008-05-20T03:40:00.015+01:00

Dieting is a tricky sell, because eating less isn't much fun. You'd usually skim over that part; Special K go for slender figures in swimsuits, and Weight Watchers go for laughing women with extra energy and confidence. Slim Fast, bravely ploughing a different furrow, have gone for "CAKE, THIS WAY".

Recent research has indicated that "yummy food 24/7" is not effective for weight loss.

Thanks to Amy for the tip!

Make a buck in the mugshot trade

2008-05-20T02:24:00.013+01:00

An increasing number of ads are illustrated with nothing more than a long line of smiling, diverse faces. Maybe some people like to scan down and find someone that looks like them before they sign up? Anyway, this would be a pretty run-of-the-mill example if this guy didn't ring a bell:

Then it hit me. He was at the swimming pool too.

You know what? I'm not even sure he's an OCR examiner any more. No, I'm sorry, that was rash. He's an OCR examiner and he has views about the local pool, I guess. That's a lot more appealing than the idea that his poor, turbanned mug has somehow fallen into a national catalogue of grinning ethnics. Does he even know? Do any of them?

Selly Deli: the result

2008-05-14T18:14:00.007+01:00

Did you catch the one about my local sandwich shop and the Subway photos? Well, I went in and I tried one. That's right, folks. There's nothing I won't do in the public interest.

Not quite there, is it.

(Bitemarks author's own.)

Don't talk back to London Midland

2008-05-13T20:23:00.012+01:00

Assault our staff and this will be your next destination, buddy. The clanger. The nick. So think about that before you start trying any of yer physical assault, or, what's that..

..verbal assault? Yeah, buddy. Watch your mouth, or it's straight to the fucking chokey, you got me?

This is only the latest in a long campaign by the train operators to shame us for the scars we inflict on their beleaguered staff. This old chestnut's been hanging around for about five years --

-- which, apart from annoyingly misunderstanding the phenomenon of scrambling the middle letters of words (the point is that they're easy to understand), and begging the question "six rail staff? I bet more manicurists are assaulted on the job than that", includes the dreaded "verbal attacks" in the small print again. There was even one with a picture of some guy's black-eyed, beaten-up mug staring forlornly out at you. Presumably you're meant to remember the last time you argued with a snotty ticket collector, fall to your knees and cry "what have I done?".

I think the staff in question have noticed, cos now they're getting precious. True story: the other week, after two cancelled trains, some passengers went up to the driver's carriage and asked what'd happened. "The next person who says anything, I'm calling security," she bellowed at us, "because this is verbal abuse!" I nearly told her that no, it wasn't, but y'know, I didn't want to risk a night in the cells.

Sex sells better than books

2008-05-13T19:19:00.005+01:00

Snigger!

If you find yourself thinking "huh, these aren't a bad idea", watch out, I had a look in one. They're not just quick books, they're books for people who are -- how you say -- intimidated by real books? All the sentences are simplified and even the text is huge. It's like the junior novelisation. If they're a sex act, they're not a quickie, they're rutting at a hole in your mattress. Which, if you don't like books in the first place, might make a better afternoon.

Selly Park Deli aren't helping

2008-05-12T18:33:00.011+01:00

It must be hard for the independent cafe in a market rapidly being gobbled up by a few corporate giants. Heartening, then, when a new one opens up, like this one did down the road from me recently. I haven't had the pleasure of eating there yet, but don't those baguettes look delicious? Delicious and oddly familiar?

Oh, look at that. They swiped the Subway photo and stuck it right there on their sign.

Of course, I'd hate to see any legal action befall the old Selly Deli (as they should have called it). I'll guess I'll go and have a sandwich tomorrow and see whether it looks anything like the photo, or whether it's a crusty little roll with ham and a lettuce leaf slopped haphazardly inside. Hopes aren't high.

Update: the results

Bombardier speaks to your heart

2008-05-04T19:26:00.007+01:00

Or a FAT DRUNK collapsing in a RAINY CAR PARK and throwing up CRAP ALE.

National association: not always great.

Birmingham City Council gets down with the kids

2008-05-04T18:15:00.008+01:00

Some middle aged council staff presumably sat in a boardroom and brainstormed the essential features this advert would need to alert today's yoof to the council's leisure services.

Jagged, uneven font on a graffitied-wall kinda background
Teenagers striking annoying poses
Funky web address with a "2" in place of "to"

But most importantly,

A string of snappy phrases belittling the reader in the slang of 1993

Just looking at it, I feel like I'm being bullied. Actually, after seeing it for a month, I've decided the quiet, pimply-looking guy on the left is being bullied. The gurning idiots next to him are shouting those catchphrases, the guy in the middle is laughing his head off, and dorky guy is just crying inside. It really is a nice impression of being 15.

Anyway, it's some comfort that in the unlikely event this advert peer-pressures any teenagers into checkin' it out, the web address leads here. If having to click "Child / Young Person" doesn't do it, the totally sad-case list of options (Family/Social support, Education/Learning, Disability Info?!) and the absence of anything so much as a jagged font will have them loggin' off before you can say Birmingham City Council is gay.

After 4 weeks... surprise

2008-05-01T01:44:00.006+01:00

This, obviously, is one of those Chinese alternative medicine places with the bewildering array of ailments they can cure with herbs and the odd massage. Several thousand years of tradition sadly hasn't stopped them bowing to contemporary trends and sticking a hilarious weight-loss fantasy in their window. It becomes slightly creepier when you wonder who's holding the tape measure.

TalkSport know their audience

2008-05-01T00:58:00.001+01:00

So, where's the average driver when the penny drops?

(a) See red car.
(b) See blue car.
(c) Hitting an oncoming lorry in the tunnel.
(d) Wolverhampton.

Stella is all natural goodness

2008-05-01T00:56:00.004+01:00

No, really? So you're basically saying it's "beer"?

You can kinda track the craze for "all natural ingredients" by the increasingly improbable markets it starts to show up in. First it was chips. Today, booze. Soon, crack.

The Money Shop promotes fiscal responsibility

2008-05-01T00:44:00.004+01:00

Take a holiday? Pay off your debts? Or just go shopping!

You could be skipping gaily through the mall, throwing a £500 cash advance around on clothes and shoes. I mean, the thought bubble is pretty ubiquitous in loan advertising, but there's usually something a bit nicer in it than an adrenaline-fuelled retail binge.

Not pictured: girl skips home, reads her bank statement and cries.