Another Sky+ strumpet

Maybe it's unfair to suggest that Kelly Brook wouldn't know quality if it teabagged her singing the national anthem, because these "quotes" were clearly randomly assigned to whatever celebs they could get their hands on. Poor Kelly probably thought the photoshoot was for OK! Perhaps she still does.

Mariella joins the Sky+ posse

First Parkinson, now Frostrup, and if you're not familiar with your British media celebrities, the first thing you'll notice about their glamorous lifestyles is just how much they slob around in front of the TV. Take Mariella here, who couldn't even keep track of her gruelling 10 hour viewing routine without a set top box. Now, though, the poor love can sit down any time of day and catch up on every last minute of Cash in the Attic, Doctors and Flog It!. She doesn't even have to worry that Deal or No Deal clashes with Ready Steady Cook. And if that isn't the high life, I dunno what is.

Technorati tags: Mariella Frostrup, Sky Plus

NS&I: give them your fucking money

Bob Geldof is striding towards you with such steely purpose that his thunderous footsteps are echoing around the room. I mean, Jesus Christ, this is the man behind Live Aid; he didn't make this much drama when he was saving Africa. What the hell is he going to say?



What?

Greer? What?

Hawking? What?

So you sit there, a little transfixed, because no, you don't really expect an activist, a feminist and a theoretical cosmologist to flog you a savings account (Alan Sugar, on the other hand, has probably been whoring himself out for years). So well done, guys. Credibility is cashed in. Balance now zero.

Thanks to Sammy via Amy!

Technorati tags: NS&I, Bob Geldof, Germaine Greer, Stephen Hawking

Gordon only uses the best

What's the worst thing about Gordon Ramsay? The swearing gimmick? The fact he fakes catching fish to look macho? The public's ongoing penchant for being shouted at by pompous cocks until they can cook, clean or raise children to a dubious perfection? The bizarrely creased chin? Or maybe, here demonstrated in exhibit A, Mr Uncompromising's cheerful lack of qualms about sticking his face on any old product for a few quid?

His face is key, here. It fills half the billboard, because his unique combination of furrowed, frowning, smug little features has been shown in tests to be Britain's #1 most effective face at getting viewers to cook how he says, buy what he says, or believe that he's actually catching his own fricking fish. The look in this particular shot is "disappointed scorn". This image will flash past your eyes when you reach for an inferior spirit. Then, when you've recoiled in shame and regained your senses -- and the synergy is fantastic here -- the correct brand is called GORDON'S. Congratulations, you've finally lost your last fraying threads of personal autonomy. Enjoy the gin.

Sky plus: why wait till old age?

I like the "Sir" in this one. It really gives it that extra bit of authority, no? If Sir Parkinson can't even face tomorrow without the ability to rewind live TV, what hope have you pathetic slobs got? Now sit down and stick The Apprentice on.

It just struck me that if you didn't know Parky to begin with (maybe my foreign readers can confirm this), this photo would actually strike you as a senile old man in a nursing home who really can't imagine life without the little TV blaring away in the corner. Sky's ideal customer, in other words, if only he had a little cash to spend. Get 20 and 30 year olds to do the same, and there's your paydirt.