Selly Park Deli fight back against the loosers

Hey. How's it going. Had a good nine months?

Never let it be said that I don't take criticism on board. To this end, here's a nice email I received this morning, presumably from Selly Park Deli, star of previous posts here and here.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN -

I am quite disgusted that you should open a forum, and encourage people to scandalise companies who are working to make a living . Therefore allowing loosers that have nothing better to do than criticise.
Selly park deli is a family run business. During the times of recession you have encouraged people to slander small independent british run stores.

WELL DONE!

In my defence, I encouraged people to slander small independent British-run stores a few months before the recession. Consequently I'd like at least part of the credit for kicking the whole thing off. Anyway, although "slander" generally has to be untrue, and it's not like any of their customers would see my blog in a million years, I do genuinely feel slightly bad for picking on a small, honest, family-owned cafe.

Sorry, did I say honest?

In a stupendous coincidence (particularly on a morning I was only viewed by one reader), within minutes my original post got its first comment in over a year:

Selly park deli:

Went in a few weeks ago> I must say it was nothing what I was expecting, the food is proper fresh. I was quite impressed with the price actually if i were to do a comparison against Subway, I would say the deli would win definately against quality and price. (John)

I guess we'd all like to have real satisfied customers, just like real photos of our own sandwiches. But in times of recession you have to make do, right?

Powerade: perks you up like a bicycle seat to the bare crotch

Nono, sweetie, we need you naked on the bike. Why? To show the importance of your "inner qualities". No, honey, not your grit and determination. Your tits.

All your teammates have done it, sweetcakes. Are you gonna let the team down? I thought not. Now peel off that lycra.

I am who I am because of Orange

Having trouble finding yourself? Orange have a bit of mawkish guff to help you out.



Like anyone in a good bout of self-discovery, our narrator is clearly stoned. It's like, we've all got a cosmic connection, you know? Everyone who's touched me is a little part of me! I am the binman I see every Tuesday. I am my old school friends who won't add me on Facebook. I am this hazy room of sleeping or uninterested strangers. Can you feel it?

Start small with LighterLife

Way small. Because as everyone knows, you can't run before you can walk. And you can't train for a marathon before you can... fit on a rollercoaster?

From a less health-conscious age...

Just for a change, here's something I love. My local off-license has a way healthier line on alcohol than the NHS.

7? 8? 9am? It's always time for a drink!

I need that clock for my room.

Eyes, the window to the soul

Five dutiful bus travellers can clearly spot nothing more unsavoury than the gently passing scenery and stumbling old ladies. The unfortunate girl at the bottom left has just been witness to a man devouring his own face.

Think they have these in Canada?

Rorschach test

Look at this sign. What do you see?

Or, to put it another way, what kind of business might hoist this emblem onto their establishment?

If your answers involved upturned buttocks or geysers of semen, I have to disappoint you. Inexplicably, it's a furniture shop.

I don't know.

Knock-off Nigel: assault your local file-sharer today!

"Surely you've got something to say about those Knock-off Nigel adverts?", enquires Sammy. "Too easy?" Actually, not having seen much TV for a while, I just wasn't aware that it'd turned into a little series. For those out of the loop, after the abject failure of the "you wouldn't steal a car" style of anti-piracy ads, they're now trying to stir up a bit of peer pressure. The kind of man who downloads movies, concludes a taunting pack of colleagues, is probably the same guy who steals their money and eats their food:



Assuming that charming shot at social engineering gave you the same grim sickness in the pit of your stomach it gave me, all I'll say is that the stumbling block it might fall at is people's failure to give a flying fuck whether their workmates download films or not. If they do, hopefully it's not passionately enough to form a baying mob around his desk. Although, if you need that extra push, the website has a host of tools to whip you up into a Nigel-bashing frenzy. Including, believe it or not, a little game where you can hurl objects at one.

Burn the witch!

Allinson: nothing but flour, yeast and drivel

Allied Bakeries have announced a major recall of Allinson bread after fears that certain loaves were contaminated with hate and despair. "While Wholemeal Batch's most important ingredient is our family's century-old baking passion, the factory environment may also contain traces of horror, anger and stinging regret," explained a spokesperson. "Customers experiencing unwanted alienation or gentle waves of ennui should return the product to their supermarket and will receive a full refund."

Burger King's inspiration is running low

Amy implores me to spot the difference:





Don't worry, we can reconcile this. Clearly, Burger King's master chefs were first inspired to add black pepper and a new sauce to the Whopper by an awe-struck viewing of Spider-Man 3 one balmy night in 2007 (funnily enough, a film that only inspired me to get the hell out of the cinema). But a year later, deeply touched by the new Batman, they called head office and demanded its re-release. Those artists!

Skyy: serving suggestion only

From: ceo@skyy.com
To: office@brightideasadvertising.com
Subject: Re: poster campaign

Okay Tim, not gonna meddle - you've got your job and I've got mine! - but I thought I'd just give you an idea of the look we're after. The key words are sophistication, luxury and elegance. Skyy needs to be showcased as the only choice for the discerning modern urbanite, associated with an aspirational lifestyle, etc etc. Also, if possible, we'd like a lot of thigh. You know, on some sultry model with a ridiculously photoshopped waist. Have her standing in front of the vodka drinker parting her legs like the rest of his aperitif lies somewhere in her crotch. "Best served with vagina" was bandied around the office.

And if the man could be sitting in one of those awesome egg chairs from the 90s, that'd be perfect. Anyway, I'll leave the rest to you. See you at the pitch on Friday!

Sunday Times: it's you, but a newspaper

Jesus, I hope I can't be comprehensively summed up by my choice of Sunday broadsheet. And imagine if it was the Times! I guess this could be the launch of their new "dark sexual fantasies" and "obsessive compulsive tendencies" supplements.

Mazda rejig the conventional week

You know what, Mazda? I'd love to. That's what I always wanted. That's what I dreamt of when I traced my finger down your curves in the magazine and swore you'd be mine.

But Mazda, they wouldn't give you to me free. They wanted money. Thousands of pounds, Mazda. What could I do? I only had one choice. I sought a high-powered career in auditing.

So there you are, Mazda, sitting in my drive, but I'm not with you, am I? I'm slumped in the office knocking back Pro Plus and finalising the details of the latest account. And Sunday? Don't make me fucking laugh, Mazda. Sunday I'm preparing that report for management.

Of course I could have roared off into the sunset with you, Mazda, if I'd had a day off in the last six years. But I'd probably just have caught up on sleep. That's all I really look forward to now. I know you understand.

Birmingham thanks you for committing less crime

Hey, no problem. I just cut back on the armed robbery and let a couple of drug mules go. It was more the credit crunch than a sense of social responsibility, but it's always nice to get some recognition.

Your local canal: it's a long stone thing with water in it

Yep, you read it right. Canal. Everyone's favourite artificial waterways are being ubiquitously marketed nationwide, and in case you were wondering, your local canal is also "a open air gym", "an open air library", "a shortcut to work", "a proper lunch break" and (ugh) "a chill out zone" (more can be found in a sickening video). Not yet mentioned, but surely in the running, must be "a free wash", "an open air urinal" and "your own secret cemetery". And by the looks of things, somewhere to sleaze over the two youngest pieces of ass in the office and be oblivious to their unsubtle "eww" faces.

Quick fix

Our old friends have outwitted the authorities once again...

Cargiant: like a functional relationship, but better

Click to read the full story, girls, and prepare to relate! The women I know just can't shut up about their boyfriend's need for TCS. Frankly they're just crying out to buy a car to piss him off, and I think we've found just the place. Girl power.

Incidentally, if your customer has this face when you hand over the keys, it's probably irresponsible to let them behind the wheel.

But what's this?
























Blessed be! Men, too, can strike a blow for independence with a quick swing by the car showroom. Not to mention shut those sodding kids up -- "Look at this, daddy! Read me a story, daddy! You're strapping me in too tight, daddy! Why are you buying another car, daddy?" -- and rub it in the wizened old face of your mother in law. Hey, why not run over your annoying colleague's dog on the way back? And make a few dents in your unrequited high school crush's convertible? Guess who has the long face now, bitch!

Unfortunate product placement, part 1

And, apparently, across the opposing lane.

Another Sky+ strumpet

Maybe it's unfair to suggest that Kelly Brook wouldn't know quality if it teabagged her singing the national anthem, because these "quotes" were clearly randomly assigned to whatever celebs they could get their hands on. Poor Kelly probably thought the photoshoot was for OK! Perhaps she still does.

Quizno's unconvincing FAQs

In the opening scene of Quizno's: the Movie, a smug reporter raises his hand and asks this question. The assembled press gasp at the CEO's brave, wise-cracking reply, then slowly rise to their feet and roar their approval.

Your guess is as good as mine as to what "processed cheese food" is, though. "Food" with "processed cheese", maybe?