I am who I am because of Orange

Having trouble finding yourself? Orange have a bit of mawkish guff to help you out.



Like anyone in a good bout of self-discovery, our narrator is clearly stoned. It's like, we've all got a cosmic connection, you know? Everyone who's touched me is a little part of me! I am the binman I see every Tuesday. I am my old school friends who won't add me on Facebook. I am this hazy room of sleeping or uninterested strangers. Can you feel it?

Allinson: nothing but flour, yeast and drivel

Allied Bakeries have announced a major recall of Allinson bread after fears that certain loaves were contaminated with hate and despair. "While Wholemeal Batch's most important ingredient is our family's century-old baking passion, the factory environment may also contain traces of horror, anger and stinging regret," explained a spokesperson. "Customers experiencing unwanted alienation or gentle waves of ennui should return the product to their supermarket and will receive a full refund."

tryingtestingwearing patience

I dunno who this is, and I don't care. Rarely have I ever been happier to see a billboard get fly-posted to death, because three more lines of welfare-babble would probably have pushed me over the edge. Stop thinking up verbs and leave us alone.

Eyecorp are in the business of perfection of dreamspace

Or as some people say, "we're redecorating".

It's unclear how many pitches East Midlands Airport heard before they gave out the contract, but it was clearly the enormous photographs of children running in grass, the billowing clouds of po-faced high-mindedness and the ability to talk in their own florid language of grandiose bullshit that swung it for these guys.

Technorati tags: Eyecorp, East Midlands Airport

Honda channel JFK

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." -- John F Kennedy

Buying a car becomes yet more heroic. It isn't clear exactly what's difficult about driving a Honda Accord, but I'm sure they know what they're talking about. Maybe it's getting your inflated head through the doors.

Technorati tags: Honda, difficult

Self-satisfied pricks wanted for mutual masturbation

I never bought the line that atheists are smug; it just seemed a cheap shot for people who couldn't fault their arguments. But something changed today when I saw this poster for a student society.
























That's right. These "highly educated and very intelligent individuals" are going to have to save the "common people" from themselves. But when, Atheist Soc? Before the next Freshers Fair? I bet their meetings are a riot.

Gordon only uses the best

What's the worst thing about Gordon Ramsay? The swearing gimmick? The fact he fakes catching fish to look macho? The public's ongoing penchant for being shouted at by pompous cocks until they can cook, clean or raise children to a dubious perfection? The bizarrely creased chin? Or maybe, here demonstrated in exhibit A, Mr Uncompromising's cheerful lack of qualms about sticking his face on any old product for a few quid?

His face is key, here. It fills half the billboard, because his unique combination of furrowed, frowning, smug little features has been shown in tests to be Britain's #1 most effective face at getting viewers to cook how he says, buy what he says, or believe that he's actually catching his own fricking fish. The look in this particular shot is "disappointed scorn". This image will flash past your eyes when you reach for an inferior spirit. Then, when you've recoiled in shame and regained your senses -- and the synergy is fantastic here -- the correct brand is called GORDON'S. Congratulations, you've finally lost your last fraying threads of personal autonomy. Enjoy the gin.