Huh. See, I've just been collecting tins and plastic bottles. Turns out I should have been bagging up my lost, lonely and weak too. Why didn't the council say anything?
It's kind of sweet how they've lowered their aim to somewhere just south of recycling in your daily priorities. Like, after you're done at the bottle bank, maybe give some thought to your mortal soul?
First Parkinson, now Frostrup, and if you're not familiar with your British media celebrities, the first thing you'll notice about their glamorous lifestyles is just how much they slob around in front of the TV. Take Mariella here, who couldn't even keep track of her gruelling 10 hour viewing routine without a set top box. Now, though, the poor love can sit down any time of day and catch up on every last minute of Cash in the Attic, Doctors and Flog It!. She doesn't even have to worry that Deal or No Deal clashes with Ready Steady Cook. And if that isn't the high life, I dunno what is.
Children's drawings unnerve me, and it's only partly the monstrous heads and outlandishly sized limbs. It's also the suspicion that these things are drawn by specialist illustrators, possibly the same ones responsible for that cutesy kids' font with all the backwards Rs.
I dunno who this is, and I don't care. Rarely have I ever been happier to see a billboard get fly-posted to death, because three more lines of welfare-babble would probably have pushed me over the edge. Stop thinking up verbs and leave us alone.
The makers were probably going for "help with homework". But everyone walking past remembers the feeling when they saw their first horse porn.
"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." -- John F KennedyBuying a car becomes yet more heroic. It isn't clear exactly what's difficult about driving a Honda Accord, but I'm sure they know what they're talking about. Maybe it's getting your inflated head through the doors.
Here at McCain, we're as concerned as you about all the chemicals, added salt, E-numbers, GM crops and tormented spirits of the damned in your food these days. That's why we'd like to clarify that our chips come from potatoes. We just hose the shit off, peel them, chop them, coat them in a thick layer of fat and we're done. Hell, we keep it all in the same mucky old bucket. Call us old-fashioned!
- Dave, how do you spell policies?
It doesn't happen with meat, does it? We'd be uncomfortable with cutesy animals selling us steaks or hotdogs, on the understandable basis that we'd rather not be reminded of Daisy's lovable properties right at the moment we're chewing her corpse. I've seen cartoon chickens on late-night fast food joints, but when you stagger into one of those places you've long given up on your meal being fresh, clean or readily identifiable, never mind ethical. If anything, it's reassuring they know what animal it used to be.
Kids, if you like Che, you'll love Jesus. He's like the original revolutionary! What's that, sweetie? Does he stand for social justice and the triumph of the proletariat? Well, right now he's more about stopping lesbians getting IVF. But sure, all that shit too.
Left to my own devices, I always forget the catastrophes that await me after a drink and a half. Thank God, then, that every few months a new NHS campaign pops up to remind me.
